I guess with their part of the “Coalition of the Coerced Willing” over, the Brits have some serious legislating to do.

The House of Lords (American translation: The Senate) has been debating a heated and important topic. Tempers have flared, regulations have been bandied about and, according to one rumor [not really] there has even been another rumor of a challenge to a duel.

The topic? The legal thickness on sandwich bread.

No shit.

The Brits, as it were, know sandwiches. In fact, it was an English noble, John, the 4th Earl of Sandwich, who invented my favorite food in 1762. I have a framed lithograph of him on the wall in my office. Seriously. I love sandwiches that much. Now, knowing sandwiches as they do, a good sandwich, as every Britton knows, has fresh, thick cut slices of bread lovingly hugging the said sandwiches tasty (not vegimite) contents.

Pretty simple, eh? NOT SO FAST, you filthy colonial.

According to The Bolton News of Lancashire:

SOME may say the idea is two sandwiches short of a picnic.

But the House of Lords has been listening with interest to a call for thick slices of bread to be cut down to size.

Thick bread equals thick waistlines, according to Baroness Gardener of Parkes, who told the Lords of her concern that the width of a standard slice was getting thicker.

It was, she added, contributing to the problem of people becoming overweight and she wants to see a return to “normal” sized slices.

Normal? What the hell does that mean? If you click on the article LINK HERE, you’ll see a picture of a young lady eating what appears to be an almost anorexic sandwich. Tut, tut, House of Lords. Frailty, thy name is Parliament!

University of Bolton student student Zoey Tattersall, aged 20, of Great Lever, said: “There are worse foods on the markets, like fast food. People should be allowed to eat what they want, but it should be in moderation. Thick bread is tastier and makes better toast and is part of a healthy diet.”

Jolly good, Zoey!

“Fellow University of Bolton student Mary Hulme, aged 23, of Tonge Moor, said: “Can those in Westminster not actually put in place real policies to help? I have always eaten thick bread and it has done me no harm. It is ridiculous that thick bread has been mentioned. Are we to be told not to use butter and jam too?”

Good show, Mary, good show indeed!

Now as much as I tease, at least they don’t have a patented Sen. Chris Butters “thick bread leads to the gay” message attached to the bill. Hey, House of Lords … I realize that America used to be better at this whole democracy thing than you (you really turned it around the last six years, though) but, if you don’t want the Thames all full of doughy goodness when the peasants revolt, get your hands off their sandwiches.

Don’t the memories of all those bread riots in the 1800’s tell you something? I mean, the London Bread Party (think Boston, here) may not have the same ring as Tea, but, surely you’ve steeped too far, topped it to the knob and are being clever by half as much again.

Indeed.

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Alternative headline:

They make take my life, but they’ll never take …. my sandwich!