1. “I have not been informed of any investigation or that I am a target”

2. “I am cooperating fully, but this whole thing is a political ploy by the Democrats”

3. “I’m SHOCKED by the mistakes made by my subordinates”

4. “I’m deeply sorry for letting down my friends and family. I now recognize that I am an alcoholic. I will be entering rehab immediately, so I have no time for questions”

5. “Can I serve my time at Eglin Federal Penitentiary (aka Club Fed)?”